My Bloody Valentine 3D

What made the 80’s slasher films so good was their total lack of pretence. They took pride in numbing the viewers’ brains with pure sensationalism: bloody murder, nudity and suspense. The plots were lean if not inexistent. It was not about an underlying moralistic tale, nor about guessing who the killer was. The actors were barely even able to deliver their lines and were only there for us to watch them ludicrously die. Settings were not made out to be pretty and slick color tints were not shading every single frame. They were gritty, nasty, gratuitous and a whole lot of fun.

“My Bloody Valentine 3D” is a welcomed return to the golden age of slasher films. It revels in the absurdity of its predecessors, and glorifies their mediocrity. This movie is not about reinventing the genre, or outsmarting its audience. The brain power behind the film is entirely focused on delivering intricate murder scenes, and making them look cool, and in that sense, this movie is incredibly successful. The body count is over the top, and the victims’ cadavers are torn apart in unimaginable ways, so much so that one cannot help but laugh wholeheartedly at the campy brutality and inventiveness of the murders.

The murderer in this case is an enraged minor, who masters the art of mutilating helpless victims with his pick-axe. Each victim is ripped apart, gutted, split and punctured in so many different ways that “My Bloody Valentine 3D” could very well stand as a thesis on how to murder with a pick-axe. As for the victims, this murderer does not discriminate. He kills attractive naked women, midgets, scrawny old men, pregnant women, bullies, cops; anything that stands on two feet and happens to be in the way. Out of all the victims though, it is Betsy Rue, a young furious and completely naked lady, who stands out the most. The boldness and authenticity of the naked actress’ performance is brilliant, and her murder scene is the most fun and memorable scene to have hit the genre, period! Never has a cliché been twisted in such a creative and clever way.

The 3D technology is extremely appropriate in this case. The excitement that comes with experiencing this revamped technology makes of this movie an enthralling viewing experience, and the filmmakers ably exploit it to its maximum capacity, as the viewers embark, from beginning to end, in a bloody and side-splitting rollercoaster ride from hell. It’s been a while since I have witnessed an audience have so much fun in a movie theatre, screaming, cheering and laughing out loud, and for that reason alone, “My Bloody Valentine 3D” is a triumph. Needless to say, do not watch this movie unless it is in 3D!

Review by Ralph Arida