Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Not unlike “X-Men: First Class”, this third “Transformers” flick dwells in alternate-history storytelling, throwing the space race and the Chernobyl disaster into the timeline of the endless war between Autobots and Decepticons.

Meanwhile, Shia LaBeouf still finds himself caught in the middle, with a new babe by his side (model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) and new supporting actors (Frances McDormand, John Malkovich) providing comic relief alongside the returning John Turturro.

But all that is just to keep us mildly entertained until the main course, an hour-long sequence involving the near-annihilation of Chicago by evil extraterrestrial robots which delivers the most epic sci-fi action thrills since “Avatar”.

Not-so-incidentally, Michael Bay got some pointers about modern 3D filmmaking from James Cameron himself…


After critics labelled “Transformers 2” a moronic and tasteless waste of time, Michael Bay is back with a chip on his shoulder and a point to prove: his penis is huge, his balls are heavy, and nobody does action like he does. Well, as George W. Bush would say: ‘Mission Accomplished.’

“Transformers 3D: Dark side of the Moon” is nothing less than a 154 minute version of its trailer. A no holds barred, balls out clusterfuck of summer blockbuster clichés…on steroids. Up in your face like it’s nobody’s business, Bay blows shit up like no other has blown shit up before, shamelessly bitchslapping his audience with his grandiose CGI and off the scale production value. Nobody messes with The Bay.

The Bayisms are bigger than ever: explosions galore, asinine storytelling, a record number of crane shots and inexistent character arcs. Bay shamelessly reduces his Oscar calibre cast to mere soap opera actors just as easily as he reduces downtown Chicago to a rubble. Only he can cast Frances McDormand, John Turturro and John Malkovich, give them shit parts, make them deliver rancid lines and trivialize their integrity and relevance as actors. Why? Because he can, and because we, his bitches, will flock to the theatres to watch his vacuous filmmaking no matter what. ‘Take that’ says he, as he jerks off to his slow-motion shots of Megan Fox The Sequel (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley)’s fine ass. Luckily, Shia Labeouf is back, and once again instils a spec of humanity to this jockstrap of a film.

On the other hand, who watches a Transformers film expecting Oscar-worthy performances and profound storytelling, right? Wrong! It’s not because Bay is making a film about ass-kicking robots that he is allowed to numb our brains for almost three hours (watch out for permanent damage). While the Terminator franchise managed to make robot films interesting and metaphorical, Bay’s Transformers manages to make Robocop seem Shakespearian, and that is an understatement. Bay can rip buildings in half, choreograph intricate robot fights and pulverize entire cities all he wants, nothing he can do will make the audience care, unless the audience has some sort of emotional response to the material. Needless to say, there is no such emotional response in this film.

In the end “Transformers: Dark side of the Moon” will be a box office success, no matter how little people care about it, and how very unmemorable it is and Bay will once again prove all the critics wrong and demonstrate that quantity is more important than quality, but more importantly that he has a humongous penis and that size does matter…a lot.