The movie starts with a bang – a finger-bang, that is. Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone), everyone’s favorite killer slut novelist, is in a sports car doing 110 mph with a drugged up footballer who’s bending clit like Beckham and, just as she’s orgasming, they drive off a bridge straight into a river. Tramell manages to get out of the car, but her soccer star lover drowns.

So far so good, at least in a Grand Guignol, Showgirls sort of way. Alas, the trashy fun doesn’t last. “Basic Instinct 2” is trash all the way through, no doubt, but it’s not much fun. “I’m traumatized, who knows if I’ll ever cum again?” says Tramell to the cop played by David Thewlis (“I want that cunt in jail!”) after the car crash masturbation incident, and we start to wonder about that too. It takes almost an hour for Catherine to get off again, which isn’t good news for a (not so) glorified sexploitation flick such as this.

In the meantime, we’re stuck watching a slow, boring, inconsequential mystery involving a psychiatrist portrayed by David Morrissey, a not very well known, not very sexy British actor apparently cast to make sure no one would upstage Miss Stone. Mission accomplished, the guy is as dull as dishwater, so we desperately await every other appearance by Stone’s cartoonish vamp, who prances around and makes breathy come-ons like a less realistic Jessica Rabbit.

The plot involves everyone around the psychiatrist mysteriously being murdered, while he has therapy sessions with Tramell, who may or may not be responsible for these deaths. The shrink is being all Mr. Ethics, saying he can’t socialize with patients, let alone fuck them. But of course while he’s doing some other chick doggy-style, he stares at Catherine’s picture on one of her books and… “When you think about fucking me, and I know you do, how do you picture it? (…) Do you wanna beat me up? Do you wanna cum in my mouth?”

The movie and Stone tease the audience for a long time, they keep putting her character in open-necked blouses, bareback dresses, short skirts, tight shirts with no bra, etc. Oooh, we can’t wait to see this 48 year old has-been and her expensive new boobies naked, can we? Meh. In any case, there’s not even that much sex in the movie. There’s more in Spielberg’s last movie, for Crom’s sake! “If you’ve got five seconds when you’re not dizzy with the smell of her pussy, ask yourself if you trust her.” Yeah, and you should all ask yourself if you really want to pay $10 and waste two hours to try and relive the time when Sharon Stone was a sex symbol. If all of “Basic Instinct 2” was so bad it’s good like the opening sequence, maybe, but it’s ultimately just bad.