Lindsay Lohan, you!

Long-time readers of this website know how complicated my relationship with the Crimson Harlot has been. Early on, I loved this little Disney redhead, so cute and fun. Then she grew up and I liked her even more, between the spectacular guilty pleasure of Mean Girls and her silly off-set antics. But before long, her sexy party girl shenanigans became sad and tiresome. The Lohan wasn’t even hot anymore, she just looked exhausted and burnt out.

Now comes “Georgia Rule” in which, somewhat interestingly, she’s practically playing herself. Hopefully, she wasn’t raped during her childhood like her character but otherwise, this is Lindsay being her worst self all the way. In this umpteenth mediocre Gary Marshall chick flick, the former Teenage Drama Queen plays a troubled teen who’s been doing too much drugs, booze and dudes for years. As the movie begins, she’s being driven by her mom (Felicity Huffman) to a small Idaho town, where she shall spend the summer with her super strict grandmother Georgia (Jane Fonda).

Much of the picture is about Lohan not adhering to Georgia’s rules, which include not drinking, not smoking, not cursing (unless you want your mouth soaped!), not being late, etc. Ironically, the shoot was briefly halted when James G. Robinson, CEO of Morgan Creek (which produced the film), called out Lindsay about her irresponsible behavior, her frequent lateness and absences due to all-night heavy partying and… Well, let’s just quote from Robinson’s open letter:

“To date, your actions on “Georgia Rule” have been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional. You have acted like a spoiled child and in so doing have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality of this picture. Moreover, your actions have resulted in hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage. We will not tolerate these actions any further.”

Anywaaaaaay… It’s pretty obvious watching the movie, as it was in Just My Luck, that the chick is not in the best of shape. Between her hoarse voice, the bags under her eyes and her fugly orange tan, Lindsay is light years from the beautiful young woman we used to love. She’s still got the big boobies, but they’re like perfect punctuation in a text written by an illiterate moron.

Where do I start with everything that sucks about the flick? There’s the condescendingly cutesy way the small town and its inhabitants are portrayed, the assumption that women are all either floozies or castrating bitches, the utter absence of nuance, subtlety or insight, the botched direction, the all-encompassing overacting…

They lay the melodrama thick: Lohan’s been diddled with by her stepfather, her mother’s an alcoholic, grandma’s overtly authoritative. Can they ever learn to understand and love each other? Meh. What really pissed me off is how they don’t even take the issues seriously, Marshall always succumbs to the temptation to revert to light, idiotic comedy. Yeah, let’s play on how silly it is that the victim of incest has turned into this desperate slut, let’s have the drunk do pratfalls, and make the nigh-fascist matriarch into a cartoon! Can you say bullshit?

If you’re able to ignore all the lameness around it, some of “Georgia Rule” is actually enjoyable in a so-wrong-it’s-right, Showgirls-style way. See the Lohan walk around without a bra and/or panties! See her wrestle with a little boy and give him a boner! See her give a blowjob to a dude in a rowboat in the middle of a lake! Heh.

Lindsay, man, I used to love you, but you need to grab a hold of yourself, you need to become healthy again, you need to pick better projects (a Gary Marshall movie, really?). I think I can follow the “Georgia rule” about forgiving, but don’t waste any time. You’re still young, but your debauched lifestyle could get the better of you…