Fuck “The Lord Of The Rings”, this is how it’s done!

Naw, I’m just fucking with you, this movie is a major piece of crap. It shamelessly steals from J.R.R. Tolkien/Peter Jackson, but with none of the intelligence, heart and artistry that make the LOTR trilogy such a milestone in the history of cinema. Obviously, a flick can be not as great as LOTR and still be enjoyable but, if you think this is the case here, you’re grossly underestimating how much of a worthless filmmaker Uwe Boll is. “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” is not just awful, it’s an insult to the art form that is cinema. Seriously, if I’d ran into Boll after the screening and he’d asked me what I thought of it, I would have punched him in the gut. “That’s what I thought of your movie, you German bastard!”

Muddled storytelling, creaky dialogue that makes George Lucas look like Shakespeare, laughably unconvincing rubber monsters, generic, repetitive, confusing and ultimately tiresome action sequences… Boll’s latest videogame adaptation makes “Conan the Destroyer” look like “Conan the Barbarian”.

Bored out of my skull, I killed time by trying to decide which of the performances was the most embarrassing. So many contenders! Can’t be Jason Statham in the lead, though, he’s actually pretty badass, even though he’s doing a poor man’s Aragorn… Likewise, John Rhys-Davies is clearly cashing a paycheck by playing a watered down Gimli with a touch of Gandalf, but he’s okay… Leelee Sobieski and Claire Forlani suck for sure, but at least they’re easy on the eyes… Ron Pearlman is wasted in the nothing role of a sidekick who buys it halfway through, but he does what he can with what little he’s got to work with… On paper, the idea of Burt Reynolds as the King is priceless, but he’s not hilariously bad, he just looks bored and vaguely annoyed throughout…


Now, Matthew Lillard is working really hard to not only be the worst he’s ever been, but the worst any actor has ever been! As the King’s treacherous nephew, he comes off like an obnoxious frat guy in an inept school play, talking in a ridiculous nondescript accent. It’s hard to believe that there could be an even shittier performance in one film, but Ray Liotta was up to the challenge! You have to see it to believe it, the star of “Goodfellas” looking like a cross between Saruman and Liberace, hamming it up like he’s playing the villain in an episode of “Mighty Morphing Power Rangers”, going as far as doing a stupid evil laugh (“Mwa ha ha ha ha!”)… I think we have a winner! Or should I say loser?